As this tedious show crawled towards its uninteresting conclusion, I became increasingly preoccupied with one question: have I ever seen a worse one on this stage?
It is possible, but memory tends to take mercy and delete the worst theatrical nightmares from our databases.
Note that I am already slipping into computer jargon. For this is a Dracula for the digital age. The year is 2005, Castle Dracula is connected to broadband (which presumably accounts for why the Count is fluent in contemporary British youthspeak), estate agent Jonathan Harker sets off for Transylvania with a laptop and communicates with his wife by email.
Harker's assignment is to sell a property in Essex to Dracula. That's Count Dracula of Dracula Castle, Transylvania. Harker is completely unfazed by the prospect - though you might reasonably ask why, since he is obviously familiar with the legend, and if Dracula's name isn't a hint of what lies in store, you might think his own should be.
But such logical objections are negated by the fact that the familiar story is cast in a heavy frame of 21st century irony, which is by no means the show's least irritating aspect.
I assumed at first that the tricking-out with computer screens was an attempt to ingratiate the show with the kids, but then the torrent of Exorcist-style obscenities delivered by Dracula's victim just before she is decapitated seemed so incongruous that I had to check I hadn't imagined it.
A note in the programme warns that the show is not suitable for children under the age of 14, but then I wouldn't say it was very suitable for adults over the age of 14, either.
It is disconcerting to see the names of writer Bryony Lavery and director Rachel Kavanaugh, both of whom have done outstanding work at this theatre, attached to this ill-conceived, badly-acted mess.
Richard Bremmer's camp Dracula might have worked in another production, but Lavery and Kavananaugh seem unable to decide whether they are going for camped-up, chilled-out or sexually-political.
By the time former Doctor Who Colin Baker makes his delayed appearance as Van Helsing it's not really a swooning young woman he has been summoned to revive - it's a dead horse.
* Running time: Two hours 20 minutes. Until Saturday.