Given last week's rant about pointless awards I thought I'd get into the Sports Personality/NCA coach of the month spirit and bestow a few gongs of my own...

Shot Foot of the Year

Arise Pertemps Bees, if you can. The current calendar year has not been a happy one for the Sharmans Cross lot. Too often, particularly last season, they have been simply outplayed.

But this campaign they have had to give opposition a helping hand with senseless penalties, poor handling and missed kicks and much, much more [2014] which means they have two entrants in this section.

Firstly comes the Rotherham home game when they conceded 14 points without letting the visitors touch the ball. A knock-on in the Titans 22 was returned for a try and then Ryan Lamb had a routine clearance charged down on his own line. A positive start was negated as they went on to lose by a point.

But the champion has to be Dave Knight's swinging arms, a fortnight later, in the cup match with Otley. Losing by seven points with time running out, Bees scored a try made in heaven only to have it ruled out when the touch judge spotted Knight [2014] 50 yards away [2014] using his fists to debate the finer points of Homer's Iliad. Not a popular bunny.

Try of the year

Again there are two nominations. In the Pure Class section we have Chris Holder's score in last term's 41-17 thrashing of Launceston.

Moseley were utterly dominant against the Cornishmen [2014] scoring at will from first phase [2014] and Holder's try merely underlined the fact.

Ollie Thomas made a superb break on halfway, scampered 20 yards and [2014] when many lesser players would have hared off for the line [2014] slowed down and waited for support. Holder burst past him, taking the ball in stride.

But the winner of the Comical category and overall champion is Tony Windo's 20-yard shamble against his former side Gloucester.

With the local rivals throwing themselves at each other with pathological ferocity, Worcester kicked to the visitors' goal line whereupon, in the process of fighting for possession, the ball squirted out of the side of the ruck into Windo's unexpecting grasp.

The sight of a 35-year-old loosehead grinning his way sheepishly to the Gloucester posts will live with me forever. If only Worcester had held on and won he'd have had a good old laugh about it.

Clown of the year

Tight this one. Clive Woodward seemed to be romping away with it for much of the year but Gavin Henson is coming up strongly on the inside.

Woodward's claim that his British Lions would be the best-prepared squad to leave these shores was shown to be laughable.

It would have been funny had he not been so cocksure of himself and then go on to ignore the evidence before the world's eyes [2014] namely that the sport had moved on from his old Englishmen.

At that time I sympathised with Henson, who had been omitted from the first Test in favour of an unfit Jonny Wilkinson, but he's done brilliantly to go overdrawn on goodwill.

His public outpourings about his Welsh colleagues and insistence on conducting his life in Hello! suggest he should earn his living in the other code.

But last week's spat with Alex Moreno where he broke the prop's nose set him aside as detestable rather than Woodward's pitiable. Keep up with the football Clive, you could win it next year.

Special Award for Under-achievement

Before I indulge myself on this one I should say that no one wants this particular team to win more than me. Born in, but exiled from, Glasgow, watching them publicly fail has really hurt.

Nevertheless, on we go. The Scotland national team have done wonders for the Campaign to Redefine Low Standards.

Their first-half non-appearance against Wales was an embarrassment. National One sides would have put up a better fight.

The fact that England could treat the Calcutta Cup match as a training exercise shows just how far rugby north of the border has slumped. It must have made Andy Irvine want to go to his grave just so he could turn in it.

Thankfully Matt Williams and his painful, painting-by-numbers, rugby have departed [2014] the problem is that he didn't take Dan Parks with him.

Non Rugby Award

The easiest category of all. How could I let our shiny-shirted brethren of the footballing world go without recognition when they have striven so hard to bring pleasure to millions.

Honourable mentions go to David O'Leary for claiming Steven Davis as his own discovery when he bleated about having to play 'kids' during Villa's annual mid-winter injury crisis.

And to the Romanov clan, the owners of Hearts, for sacking manager George Burley when they were undefeated in the Scottish Premier League having made their best start to a season for nearly 90 years.

But the accolade for Footballing Buffoon of the Year has to go to the idiot at Fifa who decided it would be a good idea to hold a 'moment's silence' during the World Club Championship final for Rafael Benitez's dead father.

Never mind the fact the event was four days after Francisco's death, the decision to start the match, stop for a brief period of reflection and then resume has to be the most stupid of 2005.

What has the passing of Benitez snr got to do with a game of football in Japan? Why does the sport of football enjoy wallowing in such base sentimentalism?

Because it's the sport of the lowest common denominator that's why. No matter how bad things get in rugby we'll always have the consolation that we're not 'soccer'.

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