The Priory Diary may not be a daily event this year, but my spies are still out there and queue jumping players, inept ball crew and slipshod organisers should be aware.
Which brings me on to the first target of my ire. What does a five-year £25million sponsorship bring to British tennis? Well if you’re part of the media cohort at the AEGON Classic - not a lot. Less even than last year.
In previous years, under the benevolent auspices of furniture firm DFS, the fourth estate grew fat on a choice of cooked meals in the players restaurant at the Edgbaston Priory Club and enjoyed close integration with some of the world’s finest female tennis stars.
Last year, AEGON’s first, we retained access to the clubhouse but had our sandwich buffet brought down to the press room.
This year, however, we great unwashed have been exiled to a condemned building as far from the car park as possible, treated to pre-packed sandwiches, fruit that looks as though it dates from the Jurassic period and our own body weight in biscuits.
There is, of course, the windowless, science lab-type atmosphere of our padded cell in which to while away the many long rain breaks.
A hearty thanks to the LTA for allowing us to enjoy the crumbs neath their luxuriously laden table.
In most years the ballboys and girls are a rich vein of amusement, though this summer even my icy heart has been melted.
Tuesday was a particularly hard day for the youngsters what with extensive delays and treacherous underfoot conditions.
Especially for one unfortunate lad who was so inconvenienced by stray serve from Australia’s Sophie Ferguson, which hit him straight in the unmentionables, that not even a loving intervention from Jill Craybas could keep him on court.
The poor boy was replaced as he gingerly hobbled his way to a safer vantage point.
Then a matter of minutes later on an adjoining court, as Alicia Molik and Aleksandra Wozniak tried to knock the fluff off the ball, one of his colleagues was dealt a crushing blow to the side of the face.
She too had to defer but even as she walked away from the court her hands remained steadfastly behind her back, save to wipe away a solitary, telltale tear. Careful kids it’s a war zone out there.
And as ever the official Police Count has been quite high. Once again the lure of elite tennis has proved too strong for some of our bobbies, with five stationed at EPC on Monday afternoon and four on Tuesday - as the rain swept down. Middle England can be such a dangerous place.
