Birmingham taxi driver Mohammed Arshad was murdered by Kings Norton man Andrew Bayliss in a "cruel and savage" attack in July 2009.
Jurors at Worcester Crown Court took four hours to unanimously convict Bayliss after hearing that he compiled a journal confessing that he was "swimming in guilt" in the months after killing Mr Arshad in a Worcestershire road next to the Birmingham City FC training ground near Hopwood
West Mercia Police have released the following extracts from Bayliss's diary after a judge sentenced him to a minimum of 30 years in prison.
Having a hard time writing this to you, really I do not have the words, or where to start.
I am in Wales now, I came as it was all I could think to do, I came as I was really scared to be at home.
Last few months have been the worst of my life... So far, I'm sure it won't be long until it is WORSE!
I have been really paranoid to be home, this would explain my strange behaviour. Never could I imagine our emotions could be so strong, paranoia, guilt, fear, mis-trust. But all of this I deserve, and more much more.
I really don't understand how I come to this point in my life, somehow I make wrong decisions and my focus is on this, then I always make a mess.
I have made many mistakes, most things like choosing wrong jobs, as I know I am capable of so much more. I do regret having *****, I love him more than you, can know; until you have children. He is the most loving and amazing child, but he deserves to be part of a family. ***** does not treat the children correct and I fear for **** growing up. This is heartbreaking for me now, I know that one way or another I will not be there to have influence over **** and give him my love.
I don't know what this is, maybe an explanation, confession, I feel so bad, guilty, sick - feel so sick! I feel sick when I think about ****, **** ,**** , **** , **** & **** , **** and my cousins **** & **** who are married with children.
My work mates, **** & **** , all the crew from **** and most of all I feel sick to think about ****
**** is amazing, I am so lucky to have the chance, to be close, to someone who is beautiful, clever, witty, switched on - everything good.
I AM SO SORRY to have started relationship with **** after what I had done. But I didn't know what to do, I was trying to live normal life, I was not tricking ****. I really can not believe how things have turned out, I wish I could turn the clock back 6 months.
Then I would be the happiest person alive, but this is not the case. Right now I have been living each day in such fear, I didn't know if I should run away, kill myself, give up or just to carry on as usual.
I want so much to have normal life, to be with ****, look after *****, watch him grow. I have such respect for life now, knowing any time may be the last... for me it has been, we went camping - it was maybe last time, when I say bye to anyone, I think is this the last time I will see them.
This is why maybe I want ****, it could be the last time I will feel love and be loved. I need this so much right now, I deserve so much punishment - but I am scared, and do not know the way.
Today I went camping, set up camp, made coffee and splif, collected a few tree's and made an amazing fire, it lasted long time!
Had two wee men, just before I started this, including the journey here, I have tried to enjoy myself as I would if others were here, but everything is so hollow, life's meaning is lost on me now.
All day long I think only of something I done, an event that has for certain thrown my life away, ruined **** life, and I really can not bear, to think, what people will think of me.
I want you to know that I never posed any threat to anyone I know, this is important, I don't want **** to judge her own choices as wrong, few days ago, **** left me with **** while she went the shop, all I could think was.... She wouldn't let me within a mile of **** if she knew.
Right in this moment, I am just trying to do anything I can to live each day try and enjoy things, which is very hard thinking about my situation. How did things come to this? I am thinking this all day also. Why I made the choices I did? I really can't put any one thing to blame for my actions, I know what I was thinking in the moment and somehow I convinced myself I had to do something.
So why? Had a good childhood, different, but was looked after well. Never got on with my dad, maybe I would agree I had a "mommy" complex and therefore desired **** . Never had confidence with women and really took what I could get, still I have enjoyed my relationships.
I think mostly relevant would be my experience with **** , truly she saved and also doomed me....
Maybe I can not blame her for what I have done. But for me she was an amazing person, she was really beautiful, smart, had really good idea's and opinions.
As you know I spent all the time with her as possible, honestly my visit to Prague and Czech was just the best experience I ever had. She opened my eyes to the system' and my own obsessions, more like I changed my habits - things I do so religiously - to suit ****, as I now also do with ****, simple I see their needs to be greater than mine. I have always been a sharing person, even more so years ago, was so generous, but I felt this change, as over time I keep getting screwed, it maybe money or I am having to carry someone at work.
"The System" is daily routine, wake up, go to work, home, food, smoke, bed, next day same, and so on. It's this that I hate, that's maybe why I like to work shifts or at night, just to be different!
I've had a few major jobs, started at the bottom and always become more as I work hard and push myself, so why now at 27 I have nothing!
Previously my biggest problem was money, I was in debt really from 16, few hundred on gambling, the banks were giving easy credit out, I've had so many loans, £4K, £10K, £11K for car, got most of it living with ****. I had credit and was happy to use it. Paid all that off but say over the last 10 years my credit cards have multiplied and I filled them all, juggling money between them, but it caught up with me, last Christmas, since then I just can't pay debt's. They have all started Court action or debt collection.
I started drinking heavy last Xmas, it started just to celebrate the holidays - usually I have always worked Xmas and New Years, so it was not supposed to carry on-the drinking.
At this time I became involved with ***** (was before) but she can drink like fish and so I carried on drinking with her, just got used to it and then like weed I needed something each day.
One night I started a bottle of Rum at maybe 9pm - few drinks, before I knew it I had done the whole bottle! (I smoked a lot right now!).
I had work next morning, woke at 5AM and was so drunk I couldn't walk, I had more sleep and went to work late. But it was now I realised I had problem. So then both **** and myself stopped drinking, just went for healthy lifestyle.
I was doing OK now, had debt trouble and knew that next time she visited would be the last.
I also stopped smoking weed, she didn't like me to spend so much money for weed, I do spend lots for this and so knocked that on the head.
Now at this time I think all this has influenced my actions, none of it is an excuse. So I was feeling pressure from debts, I didn't have money for simple things, food + petrol Kept borrowing from yourselves and ****, we had fallen for each other and it was end of relationship.
I was becoming frustrated with life, working so hard and still having problems. I was tired of struggling seeing everyone else have it so easy, it really does seem like good people get nothing but the lazy and the selfish get it all!
If you are reading this, you must know what I have done, I can not think about it, I don't know why, I'm not sure if smoking weed hasn't messed my head up, and the detox on it made me flip out. I got drunk one evening, felt desperate, almost like I had nothing to lose. Decided to follow a stupid idea I had, and now truly I have nothing to lose, I have no life.
I think about what I have done, why I did it, the consequences, people's reactions. I think it was crazy and when I see friends faces, all I see is their reaction when they know.
It's so impossible for me now, to know what I should do. Selfishly I want normal life, be with ****, love and experience this world, travel to many places. I really wish for this, but I know most probably, I can not have this. I can not imagine being jailed until I'm an old man, then no family friends and life has gone. This leaves last two choices, run away or suicide or both!
Don't wish to scare you, but I have always thought lots about killing myself - daily for sure!
I think I would be able to do something - but that's justice anyway, so, I'm sure you don't but don't care what happens to me. I understand how people will feel, what can I say? I wish I could change things, sorry to bring this on you all.
So if anything happens to me, could you sort out my things, make sure **** gets X-Box, anyone can have anything they wish, don't think Ill be using much of it!
Bayliff's will maybe come, so make sure they don't get much - sell it or give it away.
Don't know what I can say, you was such a good mate ****, and I got love for you too ****, I've had a laugh over the years and wouldn't change anything. I will never ask forgiveness from anyone, just asking maybe you understand, I am not a bad or evil person, I never harmed anyone, always tried to help others. What happened was mistake, I never planned anything, it all went so wrong so fast, I'd change it in a heartbeat!
I look back and it's all like a dream, as if it was someone else, I do almost think that, having to remind myself that it was me and I am in so much trouble. I just want to get on with my life, but I'm just watching the police get closer, the net is drawing in, very soon, things will change somehow.
I am really amazed it's taken so long. There has been so much media coverage and appeals, long time ago I thought I was done for. In the first instance I ran way after a few days, drove to France, Belgium then after few days came home. I just could not sit at home and wait to be caught. I have such paranoia from this, it's driving me crazy. Every siren I hear and I could just die on the spot.
Right now I know the police are concentrating on our area. So this is really the end for me, I am so scared about them coming to our home, they will want to see me, and how long can I avoid them? I can not make contact with them, they will become suspicious and that's it then, it's over.
I know I deserve to be caught but instinct's are telling me to run, I am in so deep, but never meant for this to happen, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I think I'd rather die than spend life in prison, what would I have after that, not much I think.
I can't stop thinking about what everyone will think, and ****, he is so young, this could have such a dramatic impact to his life.
I did think maybe people may be aggressive to you guy's and my family, I hope this does not happen, I'm so sorry the impact of this will be severe.
I have such mixed emotions, I love everyone so much but feel sick with guilt knowing the inevitable, I've been on edge of breaking, fuelled by fear, paranoia. Sleeping's been hard, all that takes me day to day is the weed. These last few months have been a dream that is now at the end.
I don't feel safe in Wales, keep expecting the police will send someone here, I would never know it - having no mobile. But the time I do spend at home or here, (where ever I could be caught) I have been treating it like destiny - I see it pure 50/50 that I could get some head start. I can not believe I am in this situation, there are no words.
Don't know what I'm doing, just trying to dodge the bullet, hiding away, last holiday, filling my head with drugs and alcohol, I wish I could feel the emotions about life I do now before I wasted it all.
Feeling really stupid - sitting in my tent, thinking about everything, I got just few small rizla and bit tobacco - it's typical, I just can't seem to do anything correct.
I'm hearing every word of every song and feel like crying all the time, it's been so hard acting normal around people, I think it will be long time until I can stop thinking about what I done, the exact moment, before hand, afterwards, and now the consequences that follow, I'm so sorry I done this, I love all you guys - it's only now I realise how special moments can be in our lives.
Everything we do, nights out and in, trips to places, football and everything. It's all to late now but I have loved the time spent with my friends.
Somehow I wasn't strong enough, let my desires and emotions rule over me, maybe I am little crazy, I don't know. I know I have many obsessions and when I stopped smoking I felt like I was going insane. Easy for me to blame something else, truth is it just me - there is nothing else to blame.
I don't know what to say to ****, I have so let her down, she already has so many problems, I'm sure **** will be devastated. I'm so greatful to her, she helped me when I needed it. I always wanted to help your mom in every way I could. I loved the time at ********, it was the perfect place for **** and myself.
I will forever be in debt to ****, I have betrayed everyone. I feel like my words are hollow, but I have become aware how everyone will react, and right now at/near Christmas. It could be one to remember but for bad reasons. I would hope everyone just gets on with everything, somehow, some day it will come back on me.
I really don't know what the future hold's today, one week/year, I can only see the direct moment.
****, since we first met I have always been attracted to you, you are so attractive, believe it, you can have anyone, so get a good man.
Oh my god ****, your going to be screwing I know. Please don't think anything less of yourself, judgement or lose trust in other people. I had a lot going on in my head when we became close, I needed to embrace you, even though I knew what would happen.
Your so amazing, I wish you was in my life months ago, then maybe I would not be an idiot. I was always serious with you, what I would give for the chance to have a relationship with you. I think we understand each other and it would have been good.
I am so sorry I started to see you, I was selfish, I have given you stress and problems that you didn't need.
You have ****, I totally understand how you feel about protecting him and looking after him.
I want you to know, that at no time would I ever harm you or **** - or anyone, never in my life did I attack a person.
I am what everyone thinks, I do care for others, good hearted and try to be there for friends.
Something happened to me, years of unneeded stress, jobs depressed me, home life stressed me, I got into lots of debt and one day just snapped. Now I am in a lot of trouble, the impact of this on friends, family and **** will be so bad I can't imagine.
I feel so bad to look friends in the face, the worst is *****, I could have a dramatic negative influence on ****, I have ruined his life.
I +++++++ up so badly, I think all my life, I made the wrong choices, but don't understand why, I am concerned for you ****, I know how you will feel about me soon, I truly am sorry to put you in this situation, I hope and beg it does not change your life, if I was not a **** up we could of had a great time, I know it.
I am so, so SORRY I have no words, there are none, I feel such guilt, shame, fear and emptyness, life is hollow, I have ruined so much. I hope you never read this, if you do, I have lost everything and you! SORRY-SO.
Don't know what else I can say, I have the same things going around in my head, I just want to fall into a hole, get swallowed up. I can't deal with the situation, I know what the choices are, but none look good. I just want to get lost in drugs until something happens, problem being that something will be soon, down to days.
Its Saturday today, I didn't go anywhere, low on petrol, but tomo I'm going to town for phone signal, it's the british grand prix here today/tomo and unlucky villa.
Got messages, **** will be here in a few days, couldn't come soon enough - so need to see a friendly face. I realised that it is a waiting game, to see if I will be collared, until then everything is theory.
Had message from **** on Friday, my **** was taken really ill and was getting better, I answered saying contact was a problem. Today I got message she had died.
****s going to be really upset I can't call or won't, it will be a few days until I can - when I'm going home. Will have to be home for the weekend to see ****, really don't want to be around home, I think if I didn't have ****, I'd be gone now, to start a new life. Should have done really, I wish I'd tried to move, but I have put no effort into this.
Can you understand that I can not think about this anymore, I am not solving anything by just sitting in Wales not doing s***.
What can I do though, work in some **** hole factory until something happens, the paranoia is so bad, I do want it all to end.
I heard something on TV, a guilty man will go to sleep in police cell, and an innocent one - won't. Because the guilty man knows he is caught, it's over and can relax!
Maybe not quite true, but I'd go along with it. I know I'm talking total ********, but it's just what's in my head, I feel like I need this.
I can't talk to anyone about this, I think if I was switched on I'd have stopped smoking and gone to see a Psychiatrist long time ago.
I think a lot of this has to do with feeling depressed, over such a long time. I know people would not think so, but it's been a long time that I felt real joy. I think I got real carried away with ****.
I always knew it would end, never did I think it would be for life, but I was so exited about their way of life, and jealous of her travelling all over Europe.
I wanted these things and just dream about them, instead of doing something constructive with my life so that I can achieve my goals.
This is a problem with my own attitude, I am happy to help anyone, put in time and effort, but with myself I always take the easy and quick route, take the first job that I land, bought every car on a whim instead of getting the best deal, easy money from banks instead of saving and earning it.
Finally I am the end of a very wasteful life. I had every chance, I was left a lot of money from ****, maybe just over £****.
Deep down I believe I never had guidance, I can not set goals well, I do blame my father for this, he was never there for me, he never got me interested in anything, consequently I lack ambition drive and desire.
I have dedication, I have always been good at everything I try, and commit myself until I can do something. But it's like I need to be introduced to everything, I can't do something on my own.
Just realised that my **** will never know about me, it's a good thing I think better she is at rest without living and knowing about me.
What about everyone else? I just can not stand the waiting, just want everyone to hate me already, as right now I feel so fake in front of friends, Just as I know everyone would be having total different attitude. I can't image leaving my life, I think about it so much, to leave home, friends and ****. I'd do anything not being in this mess, I'm so lost and out of time. I'm sorry mate, I've stuffed it all away.
But I have to be a coward, I can't be spending such long time in jail, be without friends, someone to love, my son, I'm so sorry to ****, this is the worst. I think if I got caught maybe I'd just finish it, no more than I should do (deserve), I'm thinking if I knew for sure the police was after me, then I must try to find a new start somewhere. I know this is like a fantasy in my head, but I must hold onto the chance for normality, if it be my own or something else.
I'm leaving Wales now, 'was awake for so long last night, thinking about coming home, have a knot in my stomach and I'm sitting at a Waypoint on the lake.
Have so much to deal with when I return, not going to know what to do first. **** came yesterday, said everyone was bit concerned, made me feel more guilty, no-one will feel concerned soon! I want to take it all back, I'm sorry forever, love you all.
I understand you must likely won't believe me but all I can think of anything but how everyone will feel, keep thinking of ****, **** + ****. I let you down does not quite cover it.
My ****s funeral today, made me think so much about family, friends, how life is so valuable and treasured, how much we mean to each other, I felt bad about my **** but selfishly I was swimming in guilt. I saw lots of faces that have been absent, neighbours and other family, some people I have never spoken to as an adult.
They was so happy to see me, still can't look people in the eye so much, feel stupid talking about the future and past, and being around people knowing in time they will be thinking how two faced I am or deceptive. I have been thinking about people's reaction again, talking to family about my life and it means nothings, all I see is their horror and disgust at me.
They was all commenting on my appearance, saying I'm in disguise, I have to laugh but it's so not funny.
It's so sank in to my head the fallout of my actions, I have to hide this all day and forever until I can be released of my guilt.
Listening today in church, hearing passages from the bible, made me scared of God, I don't believe in anything like this, but today I was wishing it was not true. If it is, I have taken more from this world than I can give back, I have wasted my life and destroyed others, now I live in life in sin, a life of lies and terror.
I have another problem with ****, I think forever she was the most attractive girl, I love spending time with her and want it to be a lasting relationship, if I already do not love her, it will not be long.
I feel so strongly for her. I don't want to lose her, how I feel now I do think I love her, but I am so selfish, I am dooming her for a great fall, I feel sick when I imagine ****'s feelings, I know I should end it now to save her.
Am I a coward? Selfish? Can I be a man and do the right thing, but this is my problem, I do not make the correct choices in life.
I thought who will come to my funeral, to be honest I wouldn't expect anyone. My ****(****) his wife (**** ) said me that if her baby **** grew up and killed someone then she would still love her, but I don't want that still. I don't deserve anyone to be at my funeral. When I am caught for this, it will be such big news, there will be no-one who will not know. I am again so scared, how long can I live like this, how much can I betray my friends. I do so much want to run away and jump into the sea.
£20 - Gas?
I just hit the nail on the head, I don't care anymore, so much, it's true, it really don't matter what happens to me. Maybe I can make **** take good care of ****, then all will be OK.
I know I am coward but I am so ready to die, right now but I don't know if I am / being stupid, maybe I could live whole life with no-one finding out, but what life is that filled with fear, paranoia never planning the future, never knowing day to day what may happen.
Now I'm back home from camping I'm so scared, car broke down after I have been driving all over, was driving and didn't know where to go first! Got no money/petrol/phone credit, thought I could take out loan on car but I need to prove wages, which I can't. Still havn't seen **** and without car don't look good, really +++++++ upset!
I had to walk from car to dads then to Selly Oak, god the amount of taxis I seen, hate walking, the car was my protection; now I fixed my bike, can not been seen walking about near home!
Another bad day, car is ++++++, I feel the world come Crashing down around, really all is left to go away.
I can now really imagine being in police station, I want it to be away, I just make everything hard for everyone.
Really thinking about ending it all, could make it look all so normal like a truck hitting me on my bike, and now I think about it I think maybe I will follow my idea's. to leave everyone.
I AM SO SORRY