Zorba's Greek Restaurant  *
359-461 Olton Boulevard East, Acocks Green. Tel 0121 706 4709

There was no way of explaining it, but I was wracking my brain as I stared into Aphrodite’s mighty bosom.

Is south Birmingham in the grip of a serial killer who only stalks the streets on Friday, or was everyone staying in because it was the only night of the week that neither Simon Cowell or Jonathan Ross are on television?

Maybe the Friday that I turned up to Zorba’s Greek restaurant was national ‘Steer clear of Moussaka Day’.

I was confused. I was constantly being told that Zorba’s at weekends was like an Athens thoroughfare at rush hour; sweaty, loud, and extremely busy. But the night I turned up there was no-one to keep me company but the selection of God statues – and Lady G of course. The atmosphere was like sitting in the middle of the Parthenon on a table for two.

“Where’s the entertainment tonight?” I asked Anton, our friendly waiter. “Unfortunately, he’s on holiday,” he replied, as I looked for anyone who could help increase, nay double, the numbers.

But nevertheless, a reviewer doesn’t poke his head through the window and decide on another venue because he doesn’t like the look of his present target. No way; with Herculean zeal I prepared myself for to my challenge and grasped my responsibilities; besides, it was raining outside.

I had actually tried to book a table for two on a Saturday, but it was too busy. And Anton had told me that they had 180 covers the previous Friday. But tonight was a deserted 28 Days Later night, so bring on the dish that can nourish me for the few days needed to fend off flesh-eating zombies.

Zorba’s famous Mezze (£27.95) was the ideal option for the evening. With a 23 dish banquet not only could I ease my loneliness by pretending that I was joined by my imaginary friends, I could also keep the kitchen busy.

But there was little I could pick out that really hit the spot with regard to taste. The humus, tzatziki and taramosalata were flat.
The Loukanika (Greek sausage) was meaty to start with, but when it cooled it hardened and began to resemble certain dark objects found on the floor of a free range chicken farm.

The Saganaki (cheese-based dish) was probably the most edible object to be put in front of me from Anton’s large tray. And it was nicely savoury and very authentic. The kalamari also helped me get through the initial offerings.

The second round of courses was more deserving of a restaurant with Zorba’s reputation, but the dishes did all tend to merge into one after a few mouthfuls. All that is, apart from the Dolmades. Now I thought these type of stuffed vegetable dishes were more Turkish than Greek, but nevertheless, it was one of the most genuine dishes from the list of 23.

The mousakka, meatballs and stifado were like the three women from The Corrs. You could probably appreciate them more on their own, but you couldn’t tell the difference between them when they are put together.

I had a Greek-style custard pastry for dessert, which looked a bit helpless on its plate next to the dollop of crème.

Zorba’s has a good reputation among people who have visited the venue for hen nights and leaving dos. Usually female groups enjoy the ambiance, and when I entered Anton had that look about him like a man who had wasted half a bottle of Old Spice for no good reason.

The food was obviously geared towards large groups who enjoy sharing, tearing and passing baskets and dishes between them as they tell funny stories about their own hen dos and wedding nights. It only takes a handful of Bridezillas to book the place up for the summer.

However, if you are not drinking, singing and dancing in a large party, like me you’ll be in the lap of the Gods. And without Zorba’s famous atmosphere, the food just isn’t up to scratch.