I have known people who genuinely believe a Marathon tastes nicer than a Snickers, or an Opal Fruit better than a Starburst.

I like to refer to these people as ‘former friends.’

That’s because a mere name change, by and large, doesn’t mean Jack (or Jill) if the product remains the same.

Arguably, if Marathon had been remonikered ‘Ploppy Dungstick’ in the 80s, sales would’ve remained constant – a small number of prudish purchasers would simply have been replaced by scatological scamps with pocket money to burn.

This leads me to the Gun Quarter. Or at least, it would lead me there if the signposts weren’t being amended to read St George and St Chad. Because – hurrah! – we’re in the midst of yet another puffed-up Brummie brouhaha.

You know the sort: the council dons its metaphorical Doc Martens, clumsily clumps over local sensibilities, and generates predictable parochial outrage that propels the city to the lesser pages of the national media, with the usual ‘hah! only in Birmingham…’ tone to the story.

Sadly, we’re currently on the front pages too, but I digress…

So, as you might expect from a man who harbours a near-masochistic love for this city, this Gun Quarter bun fight has piqued my interest.

It’s because I don’t like the idea of changing the names of Birmingham suburbs. I love it.

This city’s riddled with duffly denoted districts that, for too long, have besmirched signposts and embarrassed the front of envelopes. What a relief those 50 people (or ‘crusaders’ perhaps? I don’t want to underplay their achievements, y’see) signed a successful petition against the history of 250-years in order to rid us of such a terrible millstone.

Thank goodness the council acted upon this with such perspicacity, by proposing the renaming of the single borough to one with two separate names.

I have been inspired by these endeavours to draw up a wish-list of other West Midlands areas that deserve a second chance.

A chance to be heralded by a truly appropriate name, and not, obviously, one that will need to change the next time a politically correct breeze wafts through town.

(Before I begin, I write this secure in the knowledge that, if my wish-list becomes a reality, I will be responsible for securing the future livelihoods of sign-writers across the conurbation. I appreciate how selfless my actions are, and only expect sign-writers to offer me a moderate percentage of their future earnings.)

(Though I’m not prepared to waive VAT.)

My wish-list begins with Ladywood. Why? Because it sounds rude. Come on. Even the lads of The Inbetweeners stay clear of using this as a genital euphemism for fear of appearing too blatant.

It also doesn’t help that I’ve always associated ‘Ladywood’ with its admirable female MP of many years. Thus election night references made about ‘’The Right Honourable MP’s Ladywood constituency’’ led to mental images even industrial-strength Cillit Bang couldn’t clear.

In keeping with the politically correct name-change of Gun Quarter, Non-Gender Specific Site of Trees and Stuff should keep everyone happy. Especially sign writers, if they’re charging per letter.

On to another ‘wood’ – Hollywood. Why chance being associated with a city that thinks it’s acceptable to spend millions of dollars on Big Momma’s House: Like Father, Like Son?

Unlike my first suggestion, save money here by only changing one letter of the existing name. Go for Nollywood, not Bollywood though – that’s where all the trend-setting film pseuds are at.

Bollywood’s so “Pussycat Dolls singing Jai Ho! in 2008’’ now.

Next up? Shard End. ‘Shard’ – fragment of glass. ‘Fragment of glass’ – choice of weapon for under-prepared, but resourceful, pub maniacs. I’m tempted to say: keep it glassy but lose the sharpness. ‘Marble End’ perhaps? Actually, why take the risk? New name for Shard End? End.

Kings Heath, Kingstanding, Kingshurst . All these kings? Offensive to both feminists and non-monarchists. Appalling.

Therefore, keep Kings Heath (with or without apostrophe… sorry, wrong ludicrous Birmingham name-change argument), but hello Queenstanding and Republicanhurst.

Druids Heath. It’s not Stonehenge, is it? New name: Termination of number 50 Bus Route Heath (note: this one may need work).

Finally: Birmingham.

As Lord Digby Jones said earlier this year, we’re third bestest city in the whole of the UK.

Let’s celebrate this fact, and capitalise on our proximity to our northern superiors, by shedding our silly name – after all, when was the last time someone came to our city to sample our famous ham? Or, er, birms?

New name? Very South Manchester. I did ponder Manchester-upon-Rea but went for absolute clarity to maximise inward investment opportunities.

So that’s sorted. I’m off to look for the 50 or so signatories to ensure my wishes come true.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to bristle when I see Birmingham in the national headlines for the most petty of reasons (this week, even my Channel Islands based father-in-law pointed out this story’s mention on the Daily Mail’s letters page); we have enough reputational problems to contend with, thanks to the shoddy behaviour of the looters earlier this week.

I’ll continue to marvel at how people surmised a 250-year old place name could potentially glamorise a modern phenomenon such as gun crime. I’ll continue to feel my flabber being gasted by the money wasted by administering such an unnecessary change.

I’ll continue to be disappointed, however, that people can become so agitated about a change of a name, when the place itself remains the same, and its history cannot be denied. There are bigger issues worth setting up social media campaigns for, as our city centre retailers can attest to.

* Keith Gabriel is a Birmingham-based PR account manager. His views do not represent those of his employer.